Wednesday, July 3, 2013

mom vs. medical school

i constantly feel like i am in a battle and spread thin.  i never knew how much i could be so completely, head over heals, in love with anyone (aside from my wonderful husband) until Everett.  every smile he gives me feels like the most precious gift and every time i walk away from him to study it breaks my heart a little.  i am wrapping up year 2 of medical school.  i have one exam left and then the first step of boards and i have never had so much doubt in my life.  it is something that every woman faces: career or family.  i know, we can have both but medicine is more than a career, it is a life, you have a life in medicine.  i have made many sacrifices up to this point and it is really just the beginning.  the next 5 years would be filled with long work hours and very little family time.  so i look at the road ahead and wonder, is that what i want?  do i really want to sacrifice seeing my little boy be a little boy?  when i finish residency he would be starting kindergarden and i will have missed it.  someone else will see him walk for the first time, talk for the first time, tuck him in at night and get to dry his little boy tears.  people think i am crazy for thinking about "quitting" medical school.  i have worked very very hard to get here but i guess i dont look at it like quitting.  i look at it like a choice of how i want my life to look.  i have proven to myself i can do this, it is a matter of whether it is right for me and my family at this point.  i wanted a year off of school, so that Everett could be a little older when he started school but that was not encouraged at the time.  would i have huge regret for quitting?  would i get bored at home once the kids are all in school?  the thought of being bored seems so foreign, i cant imagine not finding a thousand things to do.....

for now i am starting my day of studying.  we have our routine (for now).  i play with Everett from 5:30-7:30am, go to school and study from 8-6 and rush home to get 2 more hours in with him before bed time and a few more hours of study.  not nearly enough time with him but it will have to do for now.  so this morning i left my sweet smiling boy in the arms of his wonderful grandma, i am such a lucky girl.
Morning Play Time

No comments:

Post a Comment